best day off…

in awhile at least.
i’m not sure why louis offered.
maybe it was the inability to do simple math,
the incoherent and incomplete sentences,
the laughter that continued for 5 minutes…for no apparent reason.
maybe.

sleeping in until 8am.
runyon with fk…who claims he was scaling everest.

lunch at 25º.

2 hour nap.
watching tivo.
attending the CMAs in my own living room…and playing my fiddle along with the zac brown band [twice].

shhhhh.

don’t tell thomas that i came home and made his chocolate chip cookies–the ones he touts as the best he’s ever had…
and i think my own taste better.

entitled.

yesterday on my drive to work on the 405, through the streets of west la, and while running errands in santa monica, one word came to mind:

entitlement.

i’m not sure why that particular word or why on this particular day.
i’m not even sure this word defines the behavior i encountered.
but nonetheless, this is what came to mind.
entitled.
entitled to get somewhere…now.
entitled to cut you off.
entitled to get in that particular lane…regardless of the others already there.
entitled to get where i want when i want.
entitled to park wherever i want…regardless of the signs.
entitled to do what i want.
and it seems entitled without regards to others.

this whole sense of entitlement is a new discovery for me. it seems new to me, although i am sure i have been around it before and i am sure i have exhibited it’s behavior, but the pervasiveness of the attitude seems expansive.
and it seems suffocating.
i hate it.
it’s just not me.
…or is it?
it’s not what i want, how i want to be, or what i want to be around.
…but is it also who i have become?
i would like to think it’s la, it’s product of the industry, it’s the affluence of the westside…but i am sure it’s not simply concentrated there.
but i see it here…everywhere.
it seems i cannot escape it.
…and i just don’t want it to become me.

and other people share the same.
catching up on the news after i got home from work, i came across this article on taylor swift on the eve of the cma’s and her nominee for entertainer of the year.
see how she puts it:

“but my parents raised me to have the mindset that the world doesn’t owe me anything and you can’t feel entitled to winning, you can’t feel entitled to success.” ~taylor swift.

entitlement.
it’s not something taylor swift desires either…although i’m sure she desires the success and awards she speaks of.
it’s not something she feels she has earned or deserved simply by being in the industry, being privy to fame and fortune, or having her name known.
it’s just not.

and it’s just not what i desire either.

how far we’ve come.

i am in flight from atlanta to los angeles with no short of activities in which to engage.
my own personal screen.
my own options…
assorted movies in all types of genres,
hbo,
various tv stations,
a plethora of selected music depending on my musical taste,
games,
information about my particular flight,
AND free wi-fi (at least for me since i’m a first time user).
it seems the only thing not allowed is cell phone use.
…but i’m sure that won’t be long.

i remember when the only options were reading skymall and occasionally listening to music with the FREE headphones (which are only FREE today if you bring yours from home).

technology…
unbelievable.

common ground.

why must it be one way or the other?
why can’t we both be right…and both be wrong?
why can’t we seem to find common ground?
why can’t we just meet in the middle?
why do we both make assumptions without finding out the facts?
why do we assume our own viewpoint is the right one?
why can’t we show support and extend love towards one another?
why can’t we talk about it, communicate, listen, share?
why must it be so awkward?

will it always be this way…
or is there hope for something more, something better?

just another wednesday…

woke up at 4am (2am PST) by text telling me that my flight out of montgomery had been cancelled.
spent the next 45 minutes on the phone with 2 different american agents trying to book another flight home.
re-booked a flight via a different carrier that left later in the morning (as opposed to the early afternoon flight the airline had re-booked).
got ready and headed out to the airport.
found out i didn’t have a seat on the flight i had bee re-booked on.
had a meltdown at the airport.
re-booked on yet another flight to LAX, which left 2 1/2 hours after my original flight and arrived to LA 4 hours later.
called dad crying.
got over myself and decided crying wasn’t going to get me back any sooner.
went to the departure gate for the first available flight to atlanta in hopes of there being an extra seat on the flight i was booked on, got bumped and told the flight had been oversold…there’s always a possibility, right?
found out at 7:50am there was an empty seat on the 8:00am flight (the alternate flight i wanted to begin with).
quickly called dad to let him know things had worked out.
boarded. flew. landed.
approached the delta ticket counter in atlanta to see about getting an earlier 2nd flight.
got an earlier flight (the alternate flight i wanted to begin with).
ate lunch–it then being 11EST i was hungry (my cereal at 5am wasn’t going to last me another 5+ hours until i arrived in LA).
boarded the flight.
used delta’s first-time-free wireless to write this blog posting.

hopefully, i will nap the remainder of my flight (although i am not the least bit sleepy…there’s always hope), land at LAX, take a shuttle to my car, drive to work, close the store, drive home and then crash since i will then have been up for 19 hours straight.

just another ordinary wednesday…right?

46 hours.

i flew into montgomery, walked off the plane and into mom’s car awaiting me curbside, and headed to meet alisa at starbuck’s–
a little pre-dress-shopping caffeine in order.

first stop.
what once used to be a dress and gown shop turned into a regular clothing store with a secret stash in the back. a secret stash that does well in secret since it didn’t appear much was sold from back there. but one good thing is it gave us some guinea pigs to try on. the first dress i tried on, susan assessed the situation with what i needed–what looked best on me, what i preferred, what would not work for me, and which direction to proceed.

second stop.
dress after dress, each one of us choosing a different rack and having at it.
i went to try the chosen dresses on.
some cute ones, some i liked, and then…
alisa brought it up to me saying, “just try it. we could take off this flower if…”
“if nothing, i like the flower…and i really like this.”
i tried it on, came out, and all 3 judges said, “that is it. that is you.”
i tried on one more, but it was unanimous…we had found the dress.
while the owner called the company to place my order it was on to mom.
and within minutes, she had found a dress too.
all in under a hour we had found my dress, mom’s dress, and cancelled all other bridal appointments.

what now?
a whole day planned for dress shopping and we were done.
all my hopes of things i might possibly get to do awaited me.

exchange a tie for dad.
lunch.
a trip to the oaks–the wedding/reception site.

even though i have been to the oaks before, it looks somewhat different when you are mingling at a reception than it does undecorated, empty, and in it’s natural state. it served as a blank slate for us to discuss the possibilities, with alice showing up on the scene giving us pointers from the many events hosted at the oaks.
pig in a potato…yum!
time with uncle lamon and aunt grace.

hanging out with tim, beck, and the boys.
day 1…in the books.

day 2.
started off with an on-the-go breakfast at a true southern favorite…

on the way to meet susan and a potential caterer. it is so very different actually sitting face-to-face with a vendor than trying to communicate via phone only. getting full view of the menu, picking out options, getting opinions from others.
so helpful.

visit to the jeweler to check out bands for fk and finalize some details regarding my bands, per fk. and a good-bye to mom as it was now dad’s turn.

a stop to look at suits for dad and rusty on the way to visit with grandma and ralph. hanging out, talking about wedding plans and showing the pictures of the dress, meeting the kittens, followed by lunch at fat boy’s.

meeting up with anne at cathy’s shop to discuss flowers and decorations.
last wedding plans finalized for the trip. and by this time–not that i truly have an opinion about flowers and such–i left it all up to the experts…and took myself out of the picture (only after i pulled out some pictures to share my ideas). i think i’m done with all the wedding decisions one can muster in a whirlwind 2 days.

dinner with dad and anne was in order at a good ol’ montgomery favorite in order to finish out day 2.

surprise…

a few weeks ago i received a phone call telling me happy anniversary…a year and a day after we had first met. and as a gift he was flying me home for 2 days so i could find a dress. he had already confirmed it with mom, dad, and a text to alisa letting her know the mission sealed the deal.
i couldn’t believe it! i wanted to go home to find a dress but it seemed impossible and implausible…but not for fk. he had arranged it with the bossman, booked the flight, and made the contacts aware all before telling me…
what a fabulous surprise! what a thoughtful fiance!

and a much needed venture to the old familiar stomping ground. needed in the sense that i needed a wedding dress and have yet to go out in search of one in LA–save 2 brief stints where i basically walked in and back out, and then countless hours spent online perusing dresses in hopes of finding what i was looking for…but what exactly was that? so not knowing what one is looking for nor not really having anyone go with you equalled the neglecting of the dress. so coming to montgomery and going dress shopping with my 3 judges seemed perfect…in fact, i couldn’t think of anything better.

as the days drew nearer, i began to feel the pressure.
what if i don’t find a dress?
what if there are no places in montgomery i like?
what if the whole trip is for naught?
what about the other plans i need to solidify?
what if…what about…

but beneath all this doubt i just knew.
i knew i would find my dress here.
i knew it would be successful.
but more importantly, i knew i would be surrounded by friends and family who love me so much and would provide that love i so desperately have needed the past several weeks planning a wedding so far from those i love.

i knew it would be fruitful on some level.
i just knew it…

frustration…

i see it as irritating that he just can’t stay away from what i’m doing…
ty sees the printer as fascinating and is just doing what a kitten does.

i see it as questioning me and my authority (like i have any to claim)…
she sees not doing what is required as failing to do something, rightly so.

i see it as something i haven’t done that i should, feeling totally unprepared…
they see it as doing something for me, taking something off my shoulders.

i see it as something that should have been mastered months ago…
he sees a victory in the first step towards mastery, a year later.

funny how seeing something from another’s perspective looks totally normal…
when from my own it just seems so frustrating.

and how i handle, channel, and diffuse this frustration makes all the difference.
it’s not someone else’s fault…it’s my own.
my own inability to control something, so i try to control any and everything.
my own inability to see past a situation, so i focus on the details that cloud the way.
my own inability to rise above it, to see anew, to bypass my emotions and respond with my rational side.

i see it so clearly now…
may i keep this clear vision.

today i am…

hopeful
tense
overwhelmed
unsure
mind’s a racing
oblivious
somewhat clueless
unplanned and unprepared
…yet trying to embrace the unknown,
sit with the uncertain,
just be.