listen!

words that get your attention.
words that i needed to hear.
words that serve to both encourage and challenge me.

3 Listen obediently, Israel. Do what you’re told so that you’ll have a good life, a life of abundance and bounty, just as God promised, in a land abounding in milk and honey.

4 Attention, Israel!

God, our God! God the one and only!

5 Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that’s in you, love him with all you’ve got!
~deuteronomy 6.3-5, the message.

three phrases i wrote down as i read this passage:
good things not withheld.
life of abundance.
god’s promises exceed expectations.

great news following the great news i received yesterday…
good things to come.
abundance for sure.
exceeding my expectations.

yet the challenge stares back at me:
does god need to get my attention?
have i forgotten that god is at work–not simply humanity?
am i giving credit for god’s word to another?
am i being faithful to what god has called me–to love god with all that is within me?
am i forsaking my love of god for another–namely, myself?

to give credit where credit is due…
thank you, god, i do love you–trying daily to place my love for you above my love for self.
and i am excited to see what you unfold for the journey…our journey together.

options.

is it better to have too many options or only one?
i always like options–i like to have the cards laid out on the table before me so i can choose the best ones…or at least the ones i’ve deemed best.
but can one have too many options–too many options whereby one cannot make a decision?

well, it does, in fact, appear that i have options for the future. it’s not so much that i didn’t think so; they just weren’t made that clear to me…until i asked.
so i’ve got some options–none of which are unfavorable–which leaves me in the predicament which i now find myself.
having to decide between options.
which is good and which is the best.

the dream–that may not come to fruition, yet might–versus the reality.
high profile versus steady volume.
more exposure versus routine visits.
the only one in my position versus sharing positions.
not even sure of getting the position i want versus being offered the position i want, not necessarily the ideal location…or is it?
lone ranger, in some senses of the word, versus a team environment.
starting from scratch, literally, versus joining that which is existing.
everything’s new versus some things are new.
familiar environment versus new adventure.
friends within range, yet just out of range versus only knowing one and being forced to make new friends.
the professional decision versus the personal one.

many things to consider, many sides to analyze, many lists to be made.
much thought going into this one.
either one a valid option, either one a win, either one good…
just left to determine the best.

darkness dawning.

finally.
i’ve been waiting since thursday night for an opportunity to see the dark knight.
last night was it.
after work, the 9:30 show.

just like everybody has said, it is dark…but not in the traditional sense of the word.
dark in a more subtle–although not so subtle–nuanced way.
it’s not dark in scary sense of the word, but dark in that it hits a little too close to home at times.
dark that makes you think.
dark that makes you question.
dark that makes you see the sin and immorality outside…and within.
dark that makes you wonder if this could ever be you.

the night is darkest just before the dawn…but the dawn is coming.
~harvey dent, the dark knight.

i scribbled down this line, not knowing its full impact–with no expectations to disclose it here either.
as i wrote it down, i interpreted it one way…now, 8 hours later, i view it yet another.

the dark night…
is it those forces outside ourselves?
is it that which seeks to reek havoc in our lives?
is it the evil that seems to pervade the world at times?
is it that which is unknown, unanswered, and uncertain?

and the dawn…
is that the ray of hope we see glimmering amid the darkness?
is it the peace and calm which follows turmoil?
is it the goodness that seems will ultimately win out?
is it the known, the answers, and the certain?
or is it discovery of who and what we truly are–the goodness and the darkness?

i agree, the dawn is coming…
but it may not be what we expected,
we may not see what we anticipated,
and it may not work out quite the way we had envisioned.
after all, the joker is involved, and he doesn’t play by any rules
…surely not ours.

re-creation.

what do you want to be re-created in your life…
an emotion, something physical, a spiritual connection, or some life/career decision?

the question above posed at church prior to being directed to the 4 stations set up around the chapel and the adjoining sanctuary. i could visit all 4 or none, i could travel at my leisure…no pace and no outlined path. all dependent on where i am in my journey and what i am looking for.

so i chose the spiritual station first.
candles (of course).
antiquated portrait of jesus.
small altar.
i actually forgot what the intended outcome of this station was…or the direction given. it is not that i didn’t pay attention…more that my mind wandered in another direction.
the lighting.
the gate-like artiface.
the way the light hit the iron gate.
the impending shadow looming on the ground beneath…
that’s where i stood, where my gaze was drawn.
felt like it captured my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions.

looking at god–even a portrait of god–from behind some kind of closed door…or gate.
looking at god through the holes, through the openings…
wondering who is god. and is god who god claims to be…and what does god claim to be exactly?
feel like i’m reaching out from behind the gate, wanting to touch, wanting to see…fully, wanting to know.

on to station 2, the physical. it was next in proximity to the station mentioned above.
stones laid out and chalk. the direction was to place either a + or - on the rock depending on how i felt about myself physically at that particular moment.
i actually chalked a + on my stone
…might have been the first time, ever.
i feel more accepting of myself.
i feel more in control, yet i feel less in control.
i feel less like i am trying…maybe less like i am trying to fit in or conform to some standard or ‘norm.’

then on to the life/career path…which one had to actually take a path outside to get to.
the question posed: are you moving forward or backward…are you mobile or static?
then lighting a candle, placing it in the sand accordingly.
how fitting, i thought, as last week i began to put my stake in the ground as far as career decisions go…moving in a direction.
so i placed my candle far from me, signifying a big step i am about to take.
i had to light my candle from another, then i placed my candle in close proximity to another…almost like i am following in the path of another close by.

finally, i moved to on to the final station, the emotional re-creation.
the direction was to write down the primary emotion you have been feeling.
i wasn’t sure which to write.
the overwhelming emotion has been
…yet somehow followed by quiet confidence.
fear of the unknown,
fear of what’s to come,
fear of stepping out,
fear of voicing my desires,
fear of moving on and moving out.
it was somehow comforting to write it down and admit it.
it was somehow comforting to see other’s emotions…feeling solidarity in them.

my prayer in all this was one of re-creation, one of being made new.
a continuous process–one that i am hardly beginning, one that won’t be finished anytime soon.

belonging.

how do we in the church treat those outside the church?

this is a question that i have thought about more not working in the church, having more conversations with those outside the church–those for whom church has never been a part of their life, and thinking about how theology intersects with my everyday life and relationships.

so often we find an emphasis on belief, followed by behavior, that then leads to belonging….this approach works with the underlying idea that belief is of prime importance in christianity, followed by behavior, followed by belonging.
~peter rollins, the fidelity of betrayal, pages153and154.

belief,
behavior,
belonging ,
these are all concepts we associate with church, with our faith.
but what order should they be in…what comes first?

in thinking about how these 3 intersect, i recall a conversation jay bakker (as told in the one punk under god series) had with a trans-gendered individual. the individual told of a church experience where the priest thanked the individual for coming but asked that the individual not come back. i couldn’t–and still can’t–shake that.
how can this person–this priest, this messenger of god–deny someone belonging?
and how can we–as a church–deny people belonging as well?
is it our beliefs and behavior that are central to our belonging?
or does our belonging shape our beliefs and our behavior?

it seems that the life of jesus was centered around belonging. jesus called the disciples to belong to something, to belong in relationship with him. jesus did not poll the disciples as to their beliefs–as to who ascribed to certain beliefs–and then choose accordingly. jesus did not choose based on behavior, either. jesus simply initiated a relationship of belonging.
behavior followed as the disciples spent more and more time with jesus.
and eventually, some even following jesus’ death and resurrection, the beliefs solidified.

broken pieces.

the last 24 hours have been full of some unexpected breaks, literally.

i got home late last night and was checking my email before going to sleep. from out of nowhere, my emile henry slipped off my kitchen cart. they always sit inside this rubbermaid container and sometimes slide out a little–but not off the shelf…
not until last night.
the two rectangular bakers and the oval baker.
the ones that i use…all…the…time.
the old ones–not the ones we sell now that look a little prissy for my taste, actually.
the ones that are my favorite.
yeah, those…all three.

i picked up the pieces, placed them all in a bag, and put the bag to the side.
i didn’t want to deal.
in fact, i felt a little numb.
it’s just a possession right?
who needs emile henry anyway…at least that is what i told myself.

fast forward about 9 hours.
i was backing out of my parking space at the farmer’s market…so was the ford escape parked perpendicular to me.
can you see it coming?
well, we didn’t. or actually i did just seconds before…
i stopped, tried to put my car in drive to get out of the way, but SMACK.
yikes. i pulled forward and saw…

the damage.
the scratches.
the holes.
the dents.
the parts that no longer fit exactly as they should.
nice. numbness…again.

so i faced the day with an open outlook…looking for any unexpected surprises that may come my way. and it seemed like i faced them–scheduling issues, non-stop work traffic, the irate customer that couldn’t demo the cherry pitter before buying it, bridal scanner issues…again, never-ending gift wrap, an associate 45 minutes late for work, not enough payroll…or so it feels, an associate getting cut on a knife…and needing to go home early, and on and on.

it’s just a broken piece, right?
no big deal, right?
maybe i’m just completely numb, but that’s how i feel today.
just shrug my shoulder and move on.

wrestling.

last week, i read the passage in genesis about jacob’s all-night wrestling with some unknown being–supposed to be that of god. and i have thought about wrestling since…especially since last week was a time i was wrestling with god about some things. now it wasn’t physical wrestling, like jacob’s, but it was throughout the night for several nights…and days.

which made what i read even more interesting…and applicable.

it is here, in this encounter between jacob and god, that we discover why the jewish community is marked out by the name ‘israel.’ this title represents the spirit of a people who have ‘wrestled with god and with men and have overcome.’ this name illuminated the living dynamic of hebraic faith. it magnifies a radical idea that marks out the jewish people, describing something almost paradoxical about this faith: that absolute commitment to god involves a deep and sustained wrestling with god.
~peter rollins in the fidelity of betrayal, page32.

we often propose that god desires our obedience and willing submission–and it seems that god does, in fact. but this does not always mean that it is easy…or that we go without a fight. god–it seems–also desires our wrestling.
our wrestling with god.
our wrestling with what god says.
our wrestling with what god calls us to do.
our wrestling with what others say about god.
our wrestling with the ’stuff’ of life.

there are very few stories in the bible in which some type of wrestling does not ensue. sure, obedience and willful submission may follow, but many times with the wrestling preceding.
rollins goes on to imply that the demonstration of the hebraic faith–their love and commitment to god–is evidenced by

a radical commitment to fighting with that source…by struggling, by passion, by critical engagement.
~once again from the previous source, page32.

struggling with something only makes me stronger…and it is the same with my faith. when i question god–wrestling with life’s circumstances, something i believe god is leading me to do, or even difficult biblical passages–i emerge stronger.
stronger in my faith.
stronger in my ability to question.
stronger in my resolution of what i am to do in response.
stronger–and ready–for the next wrestling match.

the search continues…

i went to target in search of new vitamins…new chewable vitamins, i might add. you see, i don’t like to swallow pills so i opt for the chewable vitamins–better known as the children’s vitamins. i typically get the non-descript store brand, but this time i was overcome by my desires of want.

spider man vitamins? you have got to be kidding me…
i saw them and i wanted them.
i didn’t take much notice of their ingredients–they could have been candy for all i cared.
i didn’t open the box to see what they looked like.
i simply saw the package and bought them…the hidden superhero-to-be within made me.

i could hardly wait to get out of the store and open the box. i was vitamin deprived since i forgot to take mine before leaving home this morning. i opened it, noticed the actual vitamins and had second thoughts. they looked like candy (and why, yes, i am sure that is the point but i don’t care to eat sugar coated gummy vitamins with my breakfast).

i paid no attention to my second thought and ate one. not only looked like candy but tasted as such. even though it wasn’t all that tasty, i began to crave another…i’m sure because of all the sugar it contained. i took the second one from the bottle and investigated it. it most certainly did not look like any of the 3 advertised superheroes on the box. it simply looked like a sugar-coated gummy substance.

that was it.
no more superhero vitamins for me.

and to top it all off, the ingredients…well, 3 of the 14 ingredients contain the word ’sugar’…healthy, huh?
and interestingly enough, these vitamins also contains fish (tuna) ingredients. think they could have left that part out.

hope margit’s kids like sugar-coated gummy substances resembling absolutely nothing yet containing plenty of sugar, black carrot juice color concentrate, and fish ingredients.

something needed.

there’s something about the beach at sunset.
think it might be my favorite time and place on earth.
like viewing a painting in process…seeing it come to fruition before my very eyes.
something spiritual.
something peaceful.
something calming.
something renewing.
something centering.

worth the wait?

much anticipated.
much waiting.
billed as

twice as fast. half the price.

the new 3G iphone must be worth the anticipated wait.