feel like i am 12 again.

it’s the night before the big trip.
the big trip you have heard about for years.
the one that comes around once a year.
the one that is anticipated for the entire year.
conference.

and it’s the night before my first time to conference.
i find myself feeling like i did before my first youth trip.
the trip i had heard about for years,
the trip i anticipated going on for years,
the trip where i knew a few people but unsure who i would actually hang out with/who my roommate would be/et cetera,
the trip where i wasn’t sure exactly what would happen,
the trip where i couldn’t decide what to pack…what outfits to wear, which would be most appropriate, which would be most me,
the trip where i just wasn’t sure what to expect,
the trip where i felt all kinds of anxiety in the days leading up to it,
the trip where at the last minute i really wasn’t sure i wanted to even go,
the trip where i knew it would be fun [despite my unsettled feelings].
fast forward 23 years and this is how i feel tonight.

i am sure it will be fun,
i am sure i will not even to be able to imagine having been unsure of wanting to go,
i am sure it will all be worth it,
i am sure i will not be able to understand why i was so anxious, unsure, insecure.

i am sure.

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good to the last spoonful…

fk told me that he would like to have chicken pot pie for dinner last night…the way i made it last time [his favorite thus far]. problem: i rarely make the same thing twice…or in the same way. call it rarely satisfied…call it inquisitive. unsure. whatever the reason, i have no idea which recipe i used last time. no idea.
so it was time to google a new recipe. fk suggested we try emeril’s recipe [since he had seen emeril make it once on tv and it looked good]. so i found this one, so here goes…

yummy…definitely one that will be repeated!

27.

it has been all over the news. all over.
just a matter of time.
speculation.
tragic.
everyone has opinion about it.
everyone has something to say…
even if there are no words.
but i find he puts it best.

he would know.
he has been there.
he has friends there.
he has those he truly cares about there.
and she was one.
she was one.
and he writes as one who has known one and now grieves for one.

whatever the opinion, whatever the judgement, the girl has talent. extreme talent.
and like us all, she was one plagued with issues. issues she could not escape.
not even if she tried.

Publicly though, Amy increasingly became defined by her addiction. Our media though is more interested in tragedy than talent, so the ink began to defect from praising her gift to chronicling her downfall….In the public perception this ephemeral tittle-tattle replaced her timeless talent.
~russell brand, in his blog posting entitled ‘for amy.’

issues that followed her post-mortem.
issues that still plague her.
regardless of the toxicology results she will be remembered not only for her unique sound but, instead, said issues.
but there was nothing–no one–like her.
she stood out.
and clearly, she stands out in her death as well…her sound radically invading the homes of everyone these days.

and the point brand concludes with, tying it all together:

Whether this tragedy was preventable or not is now irrelevant. It is not preventable today.

and so we mourn.
we mourn for the person, the woman.
we mourn for the incredible talent.
we mourn for one who wasn’t quite what she seemed…but so much more.
we mourn for someone we do not even know…for what she gave us, for what she gives us.
we mourn for those who knew her…and the way their life will never be the same.
and we do mourn for that which was taken away…by whatever means.
but we don’t let this overshadow her.

regardless of the tries, the attempts, the interventions of others.
regardless it happened. the [un]expected news.
but it doesn’t mean we quit trying…despite the results.
it doesn’t mean we quit loving…despite the messiness.
it doesn’t mean we quit looking for the good, the great, the magnificent…despite the addiction, the self-destruction, the sickness.
it means we try, we love, we look, and we give all the more.
knowing it is always worth it.
the life.
the life lived.
and the sound that remains.

some days.

some days are just like this.
some days are just overwhelming.
some days just make you want to go crawl into bed, pull the covers over your head, and hide from the outside world.
some days you just need a break from your life, your reality, just you.
some days are just too much.
some days sometimes turn into some weeks.
and i believe i have been having such a week.

some days where it seems like you cannot do anything right…no matter how hard you try.
some days where you try to make sure everything is right…only to annoy those you are trying to make right with you.
some days where you give 120% and the job requires 220%.
some days where you give in to your fears, your insecurities, your past, your imagination, your issues.
some days where you don’t even have to give in but others put it out there for you to see plainly.
some days where it seems others are out for you.
some days where you realize others will manipulate you, step on you, and do whatever needs to be done to get what they want.
some days where the clouds seem to lack a silver lining…or you just lack the ability to see them, to believe they exists.
some days where no matter how hard you try to help, you are perceived as not helping, not caring…and then complain about you.
some days where you try to empower others, only to have it blow up in your face…seeing that you should have taken control and leaving the empowering session for another day.
some days where you spend all your day marking things up, only to have them go up again the next week…and spend all that day marking the same things up [again].
some days where you do double the business with less manpower…some weeks…some months.
some days where you have to confront that which you would rather not.
some days where you have to admit that others don’t see the world the same way you do…no matter how hard you try to convince them otherwise.
some days where you realize just how much is out of your control.
some days where you have a hard time trusting, believing, seeing a different perspective.
some days where you are weak, fragile, insecure, wearing it all out there for others to see [and that is not pretty, although it may be authentic].
and some days you just feel like a failure.

not necessarily a literal failure, but just one in your mind.
one where all that you have set out to accomplish can be washed away in just a few brief minutes, a few short hours, or a mere few days.
one where it seems you have taken so many steps back that you must run to catch up to where you were just days ago.
one where you wish you could hit rewind and run that scene again…oh how differently things would have played out the second time around.

but these days exist.
and there is nothing we can really do to change them.
they happen. just accept it.
learn from them…every insight that can be gleaned from such days.
learn and apply immediately…so as more days such as these do not occur more than they must.
learn and apply and change what needs to be changed…no matter how hard, no matter how difficult, no matter how much it changes your perspective of yourself, no matter how much you just don’t want to face it.
learn and apply and change and move on.
moving on…always the hardest part for me.
i take things so personally.
i want to be heard, to be understood, to be agreed with, to be vindicated, to be right, to be in control, to be a success, to be better than i really am.
i want to move on…but sometimes i just get caught in the rut, or in first gear.
it takes [me] awhile.
but i am tired of having days [weeks] like these.

life lessons from gene simmons.

shocker.

we have been watching tivo’d episodes of gene simmons family jewels [a show of which i have never seen previously]. at the beginning of the first episode, i made a statement, “i hate this show” [once again, never having seen it], but by the second tivo’d episode in i am hooked, having found some redeeming truth.

gene’s opening monologue:

for years you have heard me boast about money and power and the life of a rock god. i’ve done very well for myself so naturally i have always thought i was more than qualified to preach. but what if everything i’ve thought was wrong? what if the years i’ve spent building myself up was tearing something more important down? it proves that every single day i have something new to learn.
~gene simmons, quoted in gene simmons family jewels episode “you always hurt the ones you love”

at a crossroads, gene realizes an important truth [or several]: it’s not all about you. not at all actually. there are more people than just you, your thoughts, your feelings, your wants and desires.
be careful when you think you have it all figured out…you usually don’t. there is a lot to learn…a lot. we can never have everything figured out. never.
sometimes we are so consumed by what we want, by our own desires that we lose track of bigger pictures…what others want, what others need.
and gene begins to realize that.

what’s the point of anything if you throw away everything that you’ve built up?
~shannon tweed, quoted in gene simmons family jewels episode “you always hurt the ones you love”

it’s a huge lesson. not one we all learn from an early age. sometimes it takes growing up, growing apart, and learning in the process [hopefully growing together]. sometimes it takes [the threat of] losing someone, something[s] you care about. sometimes it takes facing yourself…your shortcomings, your selfish desires, your part in the process.
coming to grips.
making a choice, a commitment.
[and hopefully] working things out.

post script.
we are now watching yet another episode “blood is thicker than hummus” with gene visiting his [unknown] family in israel and we are both crying [i cannot speak for fk…he may just have something in his eye]. powerful stuff.
thanks for the lesson[s], gene…think i really needed to hear some of them today.

spare time.

what do i do when the husband is away at work?

homemade granola for [my]breakfast in the a.m.
cherry tomato and strawberry salad for dinner.
homemade pizza for tomorrow’s lunches.
breakfast casserole for [fk’s]breakfast in the super early a.m.

you know what they say…
when the cat is away, the mouse will unleash it’s creative juices and cook!

tyson.

for all of you who have known me for some time, it might be a little hard to believe that i do, in fact, own a cat. he came with the mr. but i have welcomed him into my heart long before welcoming him into my home. i never thought i would care so much for a cat…never thought i could even be tempted to own one.

but tyson is different.
tyson has a personality…a unique one.
tyson is sassy [go figure], tyson is determined [go figure], and tyson does what only tyson wants to do [once again, go figure].
tyson will look you in the eye and continue doing what he knows he shouldn’t…then runs away thinking he will escape the wrath of the squirt bottle.
tyson has a way of getting to you…and getting you to like him.
i mean, really, who couldn’t? [see pictures above with the blanket fringe hanging down in his face]

and tyson has become my companion these past few nights [with fk at work], my little buddy. he sits on the bed where fk’s feet usually are and just looks around, waiting. he’s not asleep, because he is now the man of the house you see. he’s not to be caught sleeping on the job. he’s there…always. and as soon as fk’s key fits into the door, he is johnny on the spot to welcome him home.

i just love tyson…
who would have thought?