so you had a bad day…

i’ve been singing these lyrics since i left work.

…They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion’s gone away
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You’re faking a smile with the coffee to go…

Cause you had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don’t know
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don’t lie
You’re coming back down and you really don’t mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

it’s not that i necessarily had one…just some rough patches along the way.
there are numerous excuses i could give…but why?
why blame?
why justify?
why rationalize?

i should take responsibility for my actions…or lack thereof.
i should have eaten before my run.
i should have eaten more than three bites of cereal before heading to work.
i should have eaten a snack when i realized i was hungry…or when i realized i was taking the latest break.
i should have…

and maybe then my blood sugar wouldn’t have been all but nil when i actually did go on my break at 4…6 hours after my shift began.
and maybe then i wouldn’t have gotten frustrated with new associates who simply don’t know any better or hadn’t been taught.
and maybe then i would have had more patience.
and maybe then i would not have lost control.
and maybe then louis wouldn’t have had to “regain control.”
and maybe then i wouldn’t have seem so stressed, i wouldn’t have gotten shaky, i wouldn’t have had a splitting headache.
and maybe then i would have been able to communicate better.
maybe…

these were just the rough moments.
the times when i felt like a disappointment, a failure.

but there were highlights.
finding out the news: #3 volume in the company yesterday.
seeing arnold drive by in his big, black hummer.
meeting howard…despite my awkwardness.
finishing at $15K.
and now, snuggling up in a chair with a blanket watching american gangster

did i say i was having a bad day?
totally changed my mind.

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therapy.

i ventured back to therapy this morning…not that i felt like i had a lot to process or that i needed to go, i just went. i went because i wanted to go. i hadn’t been in awhile–i’ve gotten out of the habit, the precious commodity of time has taken over my life, and i’ve sort of lost motivation in this season of transition.

therapy…i needed it.
so i laced up my shoes, strapped on my gps, and headed out the door…
to therapy.

i started down one street, then headed up another…
no rhyme or reason to my journey.
no plan.
no marked course.

i needed it.
i needed the cool air hitting my lungs, almost taking my breath away.
i needed the feel of asphalt–not cement–beneath my feet.
i needed my feet to know that being confined is not the enemy.
i needed to hear the homeless man–who almost ran me over with his shopping cart full of belongings–say that i was doing good and to keep on running.
i needed to see the other few homeless people out on such a cool, early morning and wonder like mark richt (see link on posting below) who will care for the abandoned.
i needed to ask if i’m doing enough…if i’m doing my part.
i needed to realize that it doesn’t matter what my gps says…and to remember this even when i don’t run 5 miles at a decent pace.
i needed the solitude and quiet of an early sunday morning.
i needed to imagine my motivating friend margit running beside me commenting on all the million dollar homes on my right and on my left, inspiring me with her rocky theme.
i needed the time alone.
i needed to center myself.
i needed to think about nothing in particular, to make no decisions, to be in control of no one or nothing besides myself.

i needed it…
and i’m glad i went.

junkie.

that’s right, i’m a junkie…an adrenaline junkie, that is.
i thrive on adrenaline.
i thrive on stressful situations.
i love when there are a million things going on in my world.
i love the challenge, love the feelings they bring, and love the sense of accomplishment that comes with meeting each challenge head on.
i read a book for one of my classes about a year ago, and this is what the back of the jacket had to say:

ARE YOU AN ADRENALINE JUNKIE?
are you a workaholic…a Type-A personality…hooked on the “high” you get from the pressures of proving yourself to the world and everybody in it? do you take time to unwind, or is life one long rollercoaster ride of deadlines and frantic activity?

i threw the book down. really…did this guy know me? i seemed to fit the bill.
and even though reading that book has helped, as i have made some intentional changes in my life as a result–like trying to relax, finding activities or just things i enjoy doing that help me unwind, taking time to do just nothing (which seems alltogether pointless to me), scaling back on my running, culling things from my life (i.e., numerous jobs), and others–i still fall prey to being an adrenaline junkie.

point in case these past 10 days.
getting very little sleep–rising up way before dawn when my eyes pop open and i cannot go back to sleep and not being able to unwind very well when i get off…until i hit the wall and i’m just done.
multi-tasking like crazy…trying to be and do all that is needed.
baking treats everyday for those working so hard on the store.
i’m sure there are other examples…none of which i can recall at this time, however.

and i do such things because i love to…and because it is who i am.
i love to help out.
i’m good at multi-tasking.
baking is actually an activity that helps me unwind.
and i don’t require much sleep.

but as i write this, i wonder…
is it me?
or has it just become part of who i am?
or is this my way of adapting?

as i re-read that book jacket, i wonder…
am i simply trying to prove myself?
am i doing these things to gain the approval of others?
am i coping with the stress by letting my adrenaline take over (which is really no form of coping at all)?

interesting things to consider especially today,
as i have woken up yet again pre-dawn for no apparent reason,
as i contemplate how to spend theses extra hours before going to work,
and even as i have decided to go running…instead of getting more rest,
as things will potentially be crazy again at work today (which is a good thing for business)…

big day.

balloons.
green doggie water bowl.
doggie biscuits.
those were my instructions to pick up before arriving at the store for ribbon cutting…or that was the text i received this morning at 6:30am. no sweat. had it all handled and picked up my co-worker from the bus stop all before the event.
DSCN1422 DSCN1428 DSCN1432
and what an event it turned out to be.
$23K.
371 transactions.
packed from the moment the ribbon was cut until the doors were shut well after “closing.”
keanu reeves.
jennifer garner.
josh’s visit…and getting to have lunch with him.
brand new associates rising to the challenge (except for the occasional cave under pressure–i.e., faisal’s heinous gift wrap).
monica at the cook’s top all day.
customers who couldn’t be happier we’ve moved into the neighborhood.
knowing all our hard work has paid off…
and now the real work begins.

more than a chance.

If you don’t have butterflies, it’s because you know you have no chance. ~Paul Azinger, professional golfer

maybe this is why it is before dawn and i am already up for the day.
maybe this is why my mind began racing at 4:51, waking me up, forcing me to get out of bed.
maybe this is why i cannot wait until 9:30am.
maybe this is why i feel all gittery…and even feel my hands physically shaking.
maybe this is why i’ve already planned for my shift, for when i wear the black apron, for when i close the store.
maybe this is why i’ve got my game face on and that mentality as well.
maybe this is why i have so much nervous energy…and it is 5:21am.

maybe…
maybe this is why.

maybe i feel like i’ve got a chance…
to see what i can do,
to try something new,
and to see where it takes me.

maybe i feel like we’ve got a huge chance–even more than a chance–to prove ourselves, to accomplish our goal, and even to exceed those expectations.

here we go.