in between.

the more time goes by, the more i have time to think about it.
the move.
the wins/the losses.
the transition.
the change.
the pros/the cons.

it wasn’t something we had talked about a lot…simply speculated.
it wasn’t something we had hashed out, planned, or thought about details.
but i guess that is how it goes. guess that is how things such as these happen.
it happened, literally, all of a sudden. one day you are here and the next you are there.
well, almost.

i guess i have been thinking about it lately as i will be back in LA by the end of the month. i have been thinking about what i want to do, where i want to go, and with whom i will go and do these things. and it is bittersweet. i could not be more excited to see those people i have missed so much these past 8 months…yet i know i will be terribly sad to leave them as well. almost like saying goodbye all over again. and this time i will be going back home, somewhere so different and so far away from what used to be my home.

and this is what i–what we–wanted.
yet, it seems like i vacillate somewhere in between.
from day to day you never know which side of the coin i will land.
depends on my mood,
depends on my present situation,
depends on my emotions,
depends on my circumstances,
depends on the day i have had at work,
depends on how little i have talked with my friends back in LA,
depends on how small i feel my surroundings are,
depends on how alone i feel,
depends on where i let my memories take me.
and these are the times i really miss LA and wonder what if…

but i guess life is like that.
you cannot have it both ways,
you give up one thing to get another,
you lose something to gain something else.
and i just love being so close to family.

hanging out with mom on mother’s day.
spending father’s day with my dad…in person.
i have enjoyed being there for my great uncle’s surgery [or the one that did not happen].
i have enjoyed being able to run up to the ER to see my great aunt before heading to work.
advice and counsel from those who know me best.
laughing and crying with those who love me like no one can.
grandma’s birthday.
seeing my uncle at family gatherings i would normally miss.
family reunions, of sorts.
mani/pedis with mom.
these i would have missed…saved the bi-annual trips back to visit.
these are now regular occurrences.
and i really do not think i could trade anything for that.

so no matter where i land,
no matter what i feel,
no matter how hard or easy things can get,
i know we made the right decision.

1 thought on “in between.

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