can’t sleep.

i can’t sleep…well, more like it, i am having problems clearing my brain to actually fall asleep or once awake [too early in the morning to be awake] to clear my brain again to return to sleep.

take this morning, for instance, my husband was getting ready to go to work so i woke up like i normally do just to tell him goodbye.
that was 4:45am…i am still awake.
couldn’t go back to sleep.
i was worried he wouldn’t eat breakfast, or take his lunch [neither of which he did, even at my persistence and getting up to go to the frig to remedy this],
i needed to put the baking ingredients out to get to room temp, i couldn’t find mom’s chocolate chip cookie recipe, then went on a hunt to find it [only after sending her an email at 5something am…as if any other normal human being would be awake], found it, then sent her another email disregarding the first.

and now, some mere 3 hours later, i have baked 2 batches of mom’s cookies, have a pan of brownies in the oven, washed all the dirty dishes from the said baking ventures, balanced the checkbook, made my target and home depot list [2 errands to run before showing up to work in a few hours], checked facebook a few times, caught up on the news, and now i am sit at my computer typing out this blog.
still nothing to eat [and i was worried about my husband]…but i have been too busy to spend time on such trivial things this morning.

i have a lot on my mind.
i am stressed, worried, nervous.
about today.
about tomorrow.
about tuesday.
and then it is done…for now.

today…the final preparations [and there are many].
worried i won’t get it all done.
worried it won’t be like i want it, like i planned, like i expected.

tomorrow…the counting commences [and comes to an end].
worried i won’t have enough people.
worried it will go too slow.
worried about the 3pm gap.

tuesday…the showing off of my last 3 months [and telling of what is to come].
worried it won’t look good, polished…or that it will look just plain dirty and sub-standard.
worried i won’t have thought of something.
worried i won’t have the answers…or thought of the possibility of that question.

and probably worried i won’t be good enough…for my own expectations or others.
one is a losing battle and the other isn’t one worth waging…but i still do, on both accounts.

maybe tuesday i will sleep…or at least pass out from sheer mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion.

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