tired of it.

i’m not sure the impetus, but i am very aware of the result.
not sure if it was beginning to read a thousand splendid suns…and the women’s issues it raises.
not sure if it was having some contact with the last 3 guys i’ve dated in one week…and the myriad of emotions that brings along with memories (conversations we have had, roles i have played, mistakes i don’t wish to repeat).
not sure it if was having discussions with faisal about business in general…and my admonition of how i felt treated previously.
not sure.

but it all somehow played into my status update on FB this a.m.:

jen is tired of all this.

i am tired of how things are.
i am tired of how i let them become so.
i am tired of being so accommodating, of requiring so little, of assuming the same roles, of giving so much of myself, of caring so much.
i am tired of doing his job…he representing many.
i am tired of finding myself in the same place…again, or a similar one.
i am tired of not standing up for myself, of not expecting a lot, of expecting things will be different, of accepting things as they are (regardless if they are right), of hoping things will get better.
i am tired of it all…
i am tired.

4 thoughts on “tired of it.

  1. I came upon your blog last fall when searching for inspiration in flickr. I found some in your photo of a sign at your church: ‘contemporary liturgy, provocative teaching, donuts.’ The inspiration was needed for a church presentation on community/welcoming…..and a bunch of stuff in between. Your photo made me laugh. Through flickr I came upon your blog and bookmarked it and just kept checking in. Sort of feels stalker-ish on my end, but I am just a simple person (I’m a stay-at-home-mom…you know, we mother-types are just so incredibly simple!) living in Minnesota, so no worries.

    Your last few posts had me praying for you this morning. Odd. A stranger far from you in the cold north praying for you. For peace and assurance. For God to speak to you through His creation. For peace. Yeah, basically for peace. So that’s it. Keep writing. The world needs you.

  2. Always thinking of you! I know I need to make the effort to be in contact with you. I wish I could be a better friend to you. Please know that I am always a phone call away. And that – want to be a part of your life. If you will still have me! I love you lots and charish our friendship although I do not think I am as good as a friend to you as you are to me. I want to be better! I wil call you later so we can plan to meet up!

  3. Dearest Jen, I just returned from the mountain and my silent retreat and read your latest blogs I am praying for and with you! I had a really hard time while I was reading A Thousand Splendid Suns – I don’t advise reading it before bed! The subject of being a woman and women’s issue was very much on topic during my retreat as it is in my book The Holy Way, Practices for a Simple Life by Paula Houston. I miss you terribly, when it is sunny and I look out into the courtyard, I imagine you are out there on break! Love, Me

  4. carolyn, i am amazed truly. i write for myself–for cathartic reasons–so i find it interesting that someone i don’t even know could find it remotely interesting. i think there was a reason you have been praying for me. i am grateful for the prayers…in the midst of what feels like turmoil, in all areas. thank you for the comment…and much more, the encouragement.

    lydia, i am grateful for you and my friendship with you. we will get together soon…thanks for your inspiration.

    monica, it has been too long. i am glad you had a get-a-way. and i am thankful for your prayers. thanks for the memories…they made me cry, sometimes wishing i was still sitting in that courtyard where all the worries seemed to melt away as the sun beat down upon me.

    thanks, ladies and friends, for the solidarity found here…for the encouragement…for the inspiration to face another day ahead.

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