more.

what i do…
does it define me?
does it determine who i am?
does it reflect my values, my meaning, my desires, my drives?
does it determine those same?
is it all i am?
am i more?
…please tell me i am.
can others classify by this factor?
or is it just part of the whole?

and what if another disagrees…
does it matter?
should i take it personally?
should i allow it to affect me?
do i get defensive, do i pull away, do i put my guard up, do i allow my feelings to get hurt, do i get offended, do i overlook it, do i accept it, do i question, do i give them the benefit of the doubt?

and why does it matter…
i guess it matters because i want others to validate me.
i want others to accept who i am, including what i do.
i want approval. i want acceptance. i want support.
i want others to know it is not who i am–not with all their preconceived notions, their assumptions, their judgments, their perceptions, their opinions–or not all that i am.

i am more.

i am more than what meets the eye.
i am more than how i spend 40 hours a week.
and there’s a reason–a very valid one, as i see it–for doing what i do, for spending my time how i do, for giving my energy to something i feel is valid.

i am more.

i am more than my actions. there is a drive within. there is a spirit that longs, that groans, that drives. there is more.
and there is some ache within that wants others to know that, to accept that, and to value that.
and i want to do that…to know that about others, to accept that within them, and to value all that they are–not just part, but the whole.

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bittersweet.

leaving “family”, starting a new one.
old friends, new ones.
linnea, linnea’s to come.
co-workers i adore, co-workers i know not yet.
existing as is, starting over.
remaining, moving.
constancy, adventure.
familiarity, newness.

it’s all bittersweet to me today…
think i’m beginning to face the facts.

i’m moving residences, i’m moving locations at work.
i’m starting over…
again.

and even though i know it will work out, it will be ok…
somehow it’s just not today.
it’s just bittersweet.

failed.

i had to come home during my break to re-group. i had only been at work 3 hours but it somehow felt like all week.
all the carts in the store full of merchandise to go back to stock.
new features being built…ones left unfinished.
too much change.
too many tasks.
for me, at least.

so, refusing to succumb to the music, i took control of the sales floor…that being my goal for the day when i saw we had only made roughly $300 by noon.
and, at even that, it seems like i have failed.
failed to make money.
failed to please customers.
failed to turn 2 big returns into sales.
failed…

failed to be what the customer wanted me to be, to respond how she wanted me to respond, to do what she wanted me to do…with the right attitude, words, and actions.
from the moment she walked through the door, she wanted me to be someone else…another manager. and subsequently made reference to that at least 3 other times in our conversation.
apparently i didn’t know who she was, how much money she spends in our store, or how often she frequents. apparently, i had failed…
and in my questioning, i failed to do what she wanted. i simply treated her as i would any other guest, asking her questions to determine what to do with her return and how to better serve her.
but, alas, i wasn’t what she wanted.
i didn’t do what she wanted…or maybe i did, just with too many questions–or accusations, as she said.
i can’t be someone i’m not…and i can only do what i think is best.
maybe i messed up…maybe i did what was right.

who knows.
but the verdict is not out on how she feels about me…or my interaction with her.
and she just so happens to be friends with the president of the company.
which just leaves me thinking: what have i just signed on to in santa monica? all the likes of her…and i can’t even handle her today.
which leaves me wondering: have i signed myself up for failure…or success?
i better get a different outlook…

maybe the next 5 hours will go better.
maybe i’ll change my outlook, unable to change who i am.
maybe i’ll get some confidence, knowing i did my job.
maybe i’ll handle the next situation different…or will walk away ok, regardless of the outcome.

about to be.

my life is about to be different…very different from the california life i have known.
no more walking down the hall, knocking a door to see if a friend wants to join me for a run–a brutal one i might add on the trails in the 72degree heat at 9:30am (do i sound like i just returned from one of those…well, i did).
no more spontaneous movie nights with girls on the hall–come one, come all.
no more weekly sitcom watching with friends just doors away.
no more knowing everyone around me.
no more feeling like i live in a dorm.
no more face-to-face conversations with those who are in similar life phases.
no more processing what was learned in class, what occurred at work, what recent drama women face with no less than half a dozen women at my disposal.
no more…

and although i’m sure there will be many exciting times ahead–
new adventures,
new experiences,
new learning,
new home,
new–well, new everything actually–
there is still a lot left behind.
a lot about to be different…
and i’m just realizing it.

summer vacation.

i claim that i’m on summer vacation. precisely why for the 3rd night in the row i find myself in jena and kristin’s room watching a movie.
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batman begins.
sense and sensibility.
the big lebowsky.
sometime this summer vacation must end…preferably sooner than later since the movers are showing up first thing wednesday morning.
…and they aren’t waiting for me to finish my packing.