i could feel it coming for days now.
i could hold it in no longer.
i even updated my status on facebook: jen is on the verge of a meltdown.
then it came.

mom asked me if everything was alright. how do you answer that when seemingly, everything is ok, yet within feeling as if nothing is alright?
i couldn’t keep it to myself any longer.
i could no longer give vague answers.
i was tired of changing the subject.
and i no longer wanted to.

the unknown.
the possibilities at work.
missing josh and lydia.
taking on new and more responsibilities at work.
finishing school.
having to move.
looking for another residence.
friends leaving.
being alone.
starting over…again.
wanting to be vulnerable, yet scared of being hurt.
relationships ending…finally.
wanting to be known, yet fearful for others to see me.
spiritually a mess.
question after question plaguing my mind.
loneliness anticipated.
unsure of my gifts and talents.
doubting myself.
lack of trust in god.
fear of rejection.
fear of failure.
unsure if any of the decisions i am making are right, or the best.

i feel like the foundation on which i am standing is cracking all around me. i’m not sure where to stand, where is safe, what is sure. i’m just caught looking around at the pieces breaking off around me, unable to move…or just not sure what to do.

i feel like i’m in a deep sea of swirling waters. i can’t see anything but darkness around me. i know there are others. i know i’m not alone, yet i can’t see them…i can’t sense them. i wonder if i’m drowning. i wonder if the sea will calm around me. i wonder if i’ll just tread water…and if i can hold out.

i feel like the baby bird on the edge of the nest, wanting to fly, yet scared to jump out…
wondering if i’ll fall without lifting my wings,
wondering if my wings won’t make it–that i don’t have what it takes,
wondering if i fall then make it back up again,
wondering if i will actually fly.
but that baby bird has never flown…and i have.
that baby bird doesn’t know what flying or failure feels like…and i do.
that baby bird doesn’t calculate the risks…like i am.
that baby bird just does what comes naturally.

3 thoughts on “meltdown.

  1. You are the bravest person I know! Everyone has fears but not everyone has the family and friends that you have around you. Out of sight does not mean you are alone. Please know we all love you!! I am one of many who admire you for you’re accomplishments and your spirit. God give you obsticles to overcome and make you stronger. This is what I’ve learned from you. Trust in yourself and your values! You will overcome. In the words of a really wise person…”Tomorrow is a new day!”

  2. Thanks, Lydia, for being such an encouragement to Jen! Jen, you have family and special friends who love you and believe in you!!
    Still your biggest fan…Mom

    Here are some excerpts from “Sunbeams Through My Window” by Roy Lessin and verses from the Bible which I hope will give you comfort and peace in the aftermath of your meltdown:

    Difficulties can help us see the faithfulness of God in new ways. Sometimes our trust can be in other things instead of the Lord. We may trust in our own strength or our own resources, but in testing times we discover our true limitations and His limitless strength.

    You will never take a step without Jesus walking beside you. You will never face a need without His supply. You will never face a circumstance that He can’t bring you through triumphantly.

    In the dark places Jesus is your light;
    In the uncertain places He is your assurance;
    In the stressful places He is your peace;
    In the painful places He is your comfort;
    In the hurting places He is your healer;
    In the lonely places He is your companion and friend.

    Jesus is the warrior in your battles;
    the Counselor in your decisions;
    the Guide in your journey.
    He is the Bread for your hunger;
    the Drink for your thirst;
    the Vine for your sustenance.
    He is the Substance of your faith;
    the Purpose of your living;
    the Certainty of your hope.

    Fear paralyzes us; Jesus frees us. Fear binds us; Jesus unties us. Jesus faced temptation and resisted it, He faced Satan and defeated him, and He faced death and overcame it. In Jesus, you are free from fear because He has conquered all.

    Psalm 46:1-3 ~ God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

    Psalm 34:4 ~ I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

    Isaiah 41:10 ~ Fear not, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

    Isaiah 30:21 ~ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

    Romans 8:15 (paraphrased) ~ You have not received a spirit of slavery to relapse again into fear and terror, but you have received the Spirit of freedom and son-ship to break every bondage.

    Matthew 11:28-30 ~ Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

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