i could feel it coming for days now.
i could hold it in no longer.
i even updated my status on facebook: jen is on the verge of a meltdown.
then it came.
mom asked me if everything was alright. how do you answer that when seemingly, everything is ok, yet within feeling as if nothing is alright?
i couldn’t keep it to myself any longer.
i could no longer give vague answers.
i was tired of changing the subject.
and i no longer wanted to.
the possibilities at work.
missing josh and lydia.
taking on new and more responsibilities at work.
having to move.
looking for another residence.
wanting to be vulnerable, yet scared of being hurt.
wanting to be known, yet fearful for others to see me.
spiritually a mess.
question after question plaguing my mind.
unsure of my gifts and talents.
lack of trust in god.
fear of rejection.
fear of failure.
unsure if any of the decisions i am making are right, or the best.
i feel like the foundation on which i am standing is cracking all around me. i’m not sure where to stand, where is safe, what is sure. i’m just caught looking around at the pieces breaking off around me, unable to move…or just not sure what to do.
i feel like i’m in a deep sea of swirling waters. i can’t see anything but darkness around me. i know there are others. i know i’m not alone, yet i can’t see them…i can’t sense them. i wonder if i’m drowning. i wonder if the sea will calm around me. i wonder if i’ll just tread water…and if i can hold out.
i feel like the baby bird on the edge of the nest, wanting to fly, yet scared to jump out…
wondering if i’ll fall without lifting my wings,
wondering if my wings won’t make it–that i don’t have what it takes,
wondering if i fall then make it back up again,
wondering if i will actually fly.
but that baby bird has never flown…and i have.
that baby bird doesn’t know what flying or failure feels like…and i do.
that baby bird doesn’t calculate the risks…like i am.
that baby bird just does what comes naturally.