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a few weeks ago when fk talked to his parents, his mom wanted to know if i was around because she wanted to talk to me…she had some questions for me.
questions…
“what kind?” i asked, thoughts filling my mind of possible questions that might be posed to me by my future mother-in-law.
it’s taken these past few weeks to finally get in touch with fk’s parents–and i thought a 2 hour time difference made it difficult to communicate, try a 13 hour one–so i’ve had plenty of time to ponder the possibilities and my own replies.
last night, or mid-day depending on which end of the receiver you were on, i found out what questions.
“jennifer, i want to have an outfit made for you to wear after you change out of your wedding dress. what color do you prefer?”
my nervousness all for naught as she wanted to do something very special for me…and just had some questions since we have not yet met.
questions about color, size, height, preference.
questions about how plans were coming,
about how my family was doing,
about how i was.
questions i was not expecting,
questions i did not anticipate,
nor questions that i had an immediate answer for…
questions completely different from the ones i had imagined.
to me these simply weren’t questions, but statements behind the questions…
statements that i care.
statements that i want to be a part.
statements that i want to be involved.
statements that i want to do something.
statements that i want to get to know you.
statements that i want to please you.
statements that i want to give.
statements that i will cherish…
hopefully the first of many more to come.
the first day off together–in awhile–was spent on an unknown road trip. a surprise–that i actually kept–from fk. i just wanted to do something fun, something different, something low-key, something memorable.
a little road trip for fun.
part one.
so off to eat at hodad’s–my destination of choice. you see, i’ve been there before after reading about it in a magazine…a place frequented by locals.
tiny burger joint steps from the beach.
tattooed wait staff.
surfboards hanging from the ceiling, car tags lining the wall.
delicious burgers you can barely fit into your mouth.
once you’ve been you’re not soon to forget.
so that was my one plan for the day. and i actually didn’t even remember where it was–i thought oceanside, which is actually quite different from it’s home in ocean beach. so we started the drive. the 2 hour drive to san diego just to eat a burger…or was that it?
i kept the secret the entire way there…but really, who would’ve guessed the destination since i didn’t even know the exact location, and furthermore, who would’ve guessed this little hole in the wall?
as we got closer, fk mentioned that the first place he arrived when he completed his cross country trek to california was san diego (which i knew)–ocean beach in particular (which i didn’t).
really…?
as we turned onto newport avenue (the main street of ocean beach), it all came back. newport avenue being his first “home” of sorts in california. the familiar sites, the sounds, the laundrymat, the burrito joint, the place where he would park, the pier he used to walk along…
all along newport avenue,
all along the road which also served as the home to hodad’s, our destination.
coincidence that i had planned for us to revisit the first place/time when fk realized he was “home” in california?
part two.
we left the beach after remembering, reminiscing, sharing, shopping, taking pictures, and eating (of course) and headed to another location in san diego. fk wanted to go to fashion valley, although i am not sure why. i had heard of fashion valley being that there is a ws there. so we drove there. and you have to drive around hotel circle to get there.
hotel circle.
brings back memories of my first trip to california, which happened to be for a conference 10 years ago (exactly) in san diego…where both our hotel and our conference were in hotel circle.
no kidding.
i couldn’t recall which hotel we actually lodged–way too many to choose from–but as we turned to go to the mall, i saw the convention center where we had the conference.
and i realized it.
i realized we were going to the same mall.
the same mall that housed that food court.
that food court where i first remarked that i could totally move to california because i liked the food served at the food court (the turkey avocado sandwich with sprouts). the food court where i realized i just fit here.
coincidence that fk had decided for us to go to the first place/time when i realized i was “home” in california?
coincidence that i wanted to embark on a memorable adventure–one that would involve making new memories together? maybe.
but who would’ve known the events would be memorable to us both already…
Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, ‘Make me feel important.’
–Mary Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics
true, huh?
don’t we all just want to know we’re important,
that we matter,
that our life makes a difference?
don’t we all just want someone to recognize us,
for who we are,
for who we may become?
don’t we all just want to be us,
having others accept us,
having us love us for who we are?
maybe if i could remember this, it might make me…
realize my own desires, my own needs, my own insecurities,
remember that others have similar desires, needs, and insecurities,
extend grace to both myself and others,
treat others accordingly.
maybe it might make me…
think.
forgive.
love.
support.
overlook.
encourage.
speak.
behave.
…with others in mind.
i spent my day off yesterday enjoying a few things it seems i have neglected as of late…
runyon. farmer’s market. lunch with fk. manicure+pedicure.
much needed time alone. much needed time for myself.
much needed time just to be. much needed time to be me.
runyon…alone. brutal. out of shape, but didn’t need runyon to tell me that.
farmer’s market…always a new one to explore, this time in hollywood.
the signs,
the sites…
some apparently all ready in costume.
lunch with the vendors…
ebelskivers and strawberry lemonade.
a little of what i needed.
i’m constantly tired.
i don’t feel like doing anything. and the last thing i feel like doing is running or working out…or anything that would require energy, which i feel lacking.
so we [fk and i] talked about it…
why?
why so tired?
why now more than ever?
these days.
these days it seems we both have at least an 11 hour work day–1 hour commute to work, 8 hour work day, 1 hour break [half of that for fk], at least 1 hour commute back to the valley [sometimes more--if you are jb--or less--if you are fk]. take my schedule today for instance…up at 5:30am, left home at 7am, back home by 6:15pm, eating dinner by 6:30pm, exhausted and ready for bed by 8:30pm.
so what did i want to do when i got home–tired and hungry–today? despite my best intentions and motivations, it wasn’t going for a run.
added to the mix a new job for fk [and all the mental energy that comes with...the adjustment, the stress, the new responsibilities, the new--and ever changing--schedule], jb working–as of today–6 days straight no break, wedding planning for us both, phone calls/returning calls/emails/returning emails/online researching–and this just wedding stuff not even counting ones from friends, maintaining pre and post-wedding life, and trying to fit in quality time together in the mix.
so i guess it’s understandable why so tired,
why so energy-deprived,
why so mentally, physically, and [for jb] emotionally exhausted.
these days.
maybe things will be different…another day.
we went to register.
we actually drove well over an hour to get to this place, the closest one to us.
we traveled out of our way to a place at which we were both unsure.
we thought it best.
we thought it practical.
but we never thought what if we didn’t particularly care for anything we saw.
we never thought to discuss that…
it didn’t take long.
it didn’t take long to decide we weren’t sure.
we were unsure of what we liked…yet quite sure of what we didn’t (usually what the other claimed he or she did).
it went something like this:
“i like this…” [with an inflation at the end, as if posing a question].
“really? i don’t.” [rather emphatically].
“of course you don’t” [stated very much sarcastically by one]. or…
“i’m not surprised” [equally as sarcastic by the other].
result:
pouting, or taking a time out–all dependent on how you look at it.
taking it personally.
crying.
frustration.
silence.
distance.
a mild discussion in the corner of the department store.
and we’ve just become them…
them, the couple arguing in the store over their registry, or lack thereof.
them, the couple discussing whether they even want to register at the store in which they now stand and which they originally thought they did.
them, the couple unsure of why they are even registering and what they are registering for.
if you’ve worked retail in a place where engaged couples register, you’ve seen them…and now you’ve seen us.
yesterday, what began as a dreary, gray day…
minutes later evidencing a vague glimpse of sunlight…
a few miles down the road transforming into numerous shades of blue…
fiancé’s included?
i’m learning much about customer service from vendors in the wedding planning.
learning that customer service is a process, not a one-time transaction.
learning that customer service is not only in the purchase of services, but in the credit of services as well. it is, in fact, these situations that prove the level of customer service and the commitment to it.
learning that customer service is proven in the follow-through, in showing the customer that one will do what one says. trusting one’s word sets the stage for the longevity of trust.
and since i deal in customer service and work for a company that prides itself on such greatness, i am taking it all in. hoping it will change how i relate to my own customers…for the better.
i was talking to a friend of mine several months ago, about where we find ourselves…and how we got to where we are. it was stimulating conversation, actually, although not so much at the time but these months later. in fact, i haven’t been able to put it out of my mind the past few days.
it went something like this…me talking about the need to move and cut down on expenses (those within my control). i feel most certainly that it was a conversation spurred on by numerous unexpected expenses i was faced with at the present (which seems similarly to the case i see myself at the moment).
she was talking about how her husband had chased his dream, in explanation of how they arrived at their present situation. he had chased his dream, not necessarily the One god had for him, or them…as it seems. to set something straight, i am not sure exactly that she was blaming him for the life she now lived and, in many ways, despised. it seemed that it was more of a mutual conclusion she and her husband had derived.
her talking about her life and her present situation inevitably led to my own. and it seemed (but maybe it was simply my assumption) that allusions were made that maybe i had chased my own dream–moving to the westside, the pursuit of a career, and attaining that which i desired. and maybe this dream was all mine…something i had to do, to prove. a dream not necessarily shared by god, or the One god had for me.
or maybe this is simply the way i took it…or simply the way it came across to me.
not sure i agree, but everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion,
and i guess his or her own theology…
which brings me to another assumption that i’m not all sure was all my friend’s–some may have been my own–that these unexpected financial obligations were some sort of punishment from chasing my dreams, pursuing my own gains.
and i guess that’s where i might disagree.
disagree with a theology that denotes god’s only plan–the One–and the punishment that inherently ensues when one veers and pursues something otherwise.
it might seem, instead, that we attempt to explain why things happen–in a sense, why bad things happen to good people…or how we’ve ended up in the state we have.
attempt to explain such things from our own limited understanding.
attempt to prescribe to god qualities and behaviors not implicit within.
or ones not so easily deduced from simple human comprehension of a god truly beyond our own.
