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i just decided a pet peeve i have. it involves watching things–in this particular case, movies–with others who have already seen them. therein, lies the peeve.
others giving away the movie…however naively they may be doing so.
others trying to figure the movie out…out loud.
others making comments constantly throughout the movie…just watch it, no extra commentary needed.
others explaining what is going on…no additional narration needed, please.
i have just decided this because i find myself in such a situation at the present…and i find myself getting annoyed at the situation.
as if living in southern california were that easy.
as if finding a place to live in southern california were that easy.
as if it were that easy.
empty and clean.
packed up and moved out.
what was once occupied is now vacant.
ready and waiting for a new resident.
316.
it’s been my home now for almost 3 years…my first and only residence in california.
it’s been my refuge…somehow a reminder of home, of comfort, of that which is familiar when all that surrounded me was strange and new.
it’s been my sanctuary…a place of rest physically, mentally, and spiritually.
it’s been my space…my space for welcoming, my space for baking, my space for cooking, my space for sleepovers, my space for hosting, my space for studying, my space for reading, my space for paper writing, my space for blog-writing, my space for catching up, my space for contemplation.
but now it’s time to find a new space…a new space all my own.
“i’ve got bad news followed by worse news, but then i’ve got good news followed by better news” was vaguely how the conversation occurred.
bad news…what bad news?
it wasn’t quite what i had expected, nor would i necessarily qualify it as bad news. maybe it was bad news because of the trouble it caused, maybe. maybe i would more aptly call it disappointing.
but not disappointing enough to deter me or doubt the decision made.
the good news? well even though things won’t turn out as expected, they are moving…moving in a general direction. and the better news?
well now things are going to get even more interesting…
even more seems to be at stake…
even more to prove.
Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.
~Ovid, Roman poet
feel like i need a little rest these days…
packing,
changes at work,
new management,
corporate visit,
going through stuff,
getting rid of stuff…my stuff,
moving,
closing at work…every night,
knowing i need to look for an apartment…yet not.
rest.
maybe one day…
maybe one day soon.
maybe after i’ve cleaned my apartment.
maybe after i’ve settled in my “in-between” place.
maybe after i’ve done some research on craigslist.
maybe after i’ve gone to look for an apartment.
maybe after i’ve found a new place to live.
maybe after i’ve settled into my new place.
maybe…
maybe then i’ll rest.
and maybe then i’ll yield a bountiful crop.
i’ve been doing some thinking the past few days, after a few conversations have compelled me to do so.
thinking about who i am, who i’ve become, who i am in the moment, who i am when pressed, who i am on my own.
conversation 1. at work.
even though i tried being helpful, i don’t think i truly was. it’s not that i was accusatory, but i just didn’t do exactly what she wanted. i didn’t give the customer the benefit of the doubt. i asked questions, but hoping to deter a return rather than actually servicing the guest.
i have replayed the conversation over and over again.
where did i go wrong?
where did i fail to offer great customer service?
and i have resolved to treat the guest like i would want to be treated…novel concept, eh?
i have resolved to handle the next situation differently.
i want to offer better service.
i want to be one that customers want to deal with…one who listens, who empathizes, who respects, who seeks to understand. i don’t want to be led–to be led into situations or along a path that i did not intend. instead, i want to lead. i want to set the bar. i want to facilitate conversation, not close it off.
conversation 2. with a friend.
about the perils of consumerism…the corruption of corporations.
how do i fit here?
is it wrong, is it right…is it so dichotomistic?
should another’s opinion dictate my own?
are corporations inherently bad, evil, corrupt?
aren’t we all consumers of something–the question remains which kind and how does our consumption affect/determine who we are?
and so the questions swirled about me as i wrapped up the packing, moving, storing.
what kind of possessions do i own?
do they own me?
am i driven by them?
am i fine without them?
and what kind of consumer am i?
how faithful am i living out the gospel–living simply, living holistic, living christ-centered?
what does that look like…does it look the same for everyone, or is each situation different, each person different, each conviction different?
i have stuff…i have a lot of stuff. and i live/work in a culture surrounded by stuff, having stuff, accumulating more stuff. in america. in middle-upper class environments. in a high-end environment.
so today, i asked a few friends, “just how much stuff does one need,” and i shared some other thoughts going through my mind. how affirming they were. affirming of me, affirming of who i am, affirming of how i live my life, affirming of the choices i’ve made, affirming of the paths i have chosen to walk, affirming in ways i needed to hear. and although i am trying to make sense of the questions, i feel a little more balanced and well-equipped to do so. i feel a little more understood. i feel a little more like myself.
my last spin class at the Y has come and gone.
my movers have come…and are now gone.
my bare-walled room looks vaguely like it did just moments after i moved in.
come and gone.
seasons of our life seem to do that…they come and they go.
life, like the tide, ebbs and it flows.
seasons begin, never truly ending, just transitioning into the next.
it’s my next.
it’s my time to transition.
it’s my time to move out.
it’s my time to pursue what lies ahead.
it’s my time to forge new paths.
it’s my time to live a new adventure.
old times…they’ve gone.
new times…they’re to come.
what i do…
does it define me?
does it determine who i am?
does it reflect my values, my meaning, my desires, my drives?
does it determine those same?
is it all i am?
am i more?
…please tell me i am.
can others classify by this factor?
or is it just part of the whole?
and what if another disagrees…
does it matter?
should i take it personally?
should i allow it to affect me?
do i get defensive, do i pull away, do i put my guard up, do i allow my feelings to get hurt, do i get offended, do i overlook it, do i accept it, do i question, do i give them the benefit of the doubt?
and why does it matter…
i guess it matters because i want others to validate me.
i want others to accept who i am, including what i do.
i want approval. i want acceptance. i want support.
i want others to know it is not who i am–not with all their preconceived notions, their assumptions, their judgments, their perceptions, their opinions–or not all that i am.
i am more.
i am more than what meets the eye.
i am more than how i spend 40 hours a week.
and there’s a reason–a very valid one, as i see it–for doing what i do, for spending my time how i do, for giving my energy to something i feel is valid.
i am more.
i am more than my actions. there is a drive within. there is a spirit that longs, that groans, that drives. there is more.
and there is some ache within that wants others to know that, to accept that, and to value that.
and i want to do that…to know that about others, to accept that within them, and to value all that they are–not just part, but the whole.
leaving “family”, starting a new one.
old friends, new ones.
linnea, linnea’s to come.
co-workers i adore, co-workers i know not yet.
existing as is, starting over.
remaining, moving.
constancy, adventure.
familiarity, newness.
it’s all bittersweet to me today…
think i’m beginning to face the facts.
i’m moving residences, i’m moving locations at work.
i’m starting over…
again.
and even though i know it will work out, it will be ok…
somehow it’s just not today.
it’s just bittersweet.
i had to come home during my break to re-group. i had only been at work 3 hours but it somehow felt like all week.
all the carts in the store full of merchandise to go back to stock.
new features being built…ones left unfinished.
too much change.
too many tasks.
for me, at least.
so, refusing to succumb to the music, i took control of the sales floor…that being my goal for the day when i saw we had only made roughly $300 by noon.
and, at even that, it seems like i have failed.
failed to make money.
failed to please customers.
failed to turn 2 big returns into sales.
failed…
failed to be what the customer wanted me to be, to respond how she wanted me to respond, to do what she wanted me to do…with the right attitude, words, and actions.
from the moment she walked through the door, she wanted me to be someone else…another manager. and subsequently made reference to that at least 3 other times in our conversation.
apparently i didn’t know who she was, how much money she spends in our store, or how often she frequents. apparently, i had failed…
and in my questioning, i failed to do what she wanted. i simply treated her as i would any other guest, asking her questions to determine what to do with her return and how to better serve her.
but, alas, i wasn’t what she wanted.
i didn’t do what she wanted…or maybe i did, just with too many questions–or accusations, as she said.
i can’t be someone i’m not…and i can only do what i think is best.
maybe i messed up…maybe i did what was right.
who knows.
but the verdict is not out on how she feels about me…or my interaction with her.
and she just so happens to be friends with the president of the company.
which just leaves me thinking: what have i just signed on to in santa monica? all the likes of her…and i can’t even handle her today.
which leaves me wondering: have i signed myself up for failure…or success?
i better get a different outlook…
maybe the next 5 hours will go better.
maybe i’ll change my outlook, unable to change who i am.
maybe i’ll get some confidence, knowing i did my job.
maybe i’ll handle the next situation different…or will walk away ok, regardless of the outcome.
