betrayal.

at church this evening, we had a recreation of the last supper–equipped with a greeting of a holy kiss, a shared meal, breaking of bread around the table, and a bit of a dramatic depiction of the event. two things stuck out to me from the events of tonight…and from the original events.

a kiss.
that’s how it all went down.
jesus was betrayed by a kiss.
jesus was betrayed by one he trusted, one he called his follower, his disciple, by a kiss.
that’s how the story ended.

what is meant by a kiss?
a kiss is an act of endearment,
an expression of love, of intimacy, of affection.
a kiss signifies trust.
so why does judas choose this method of betrayal?
i am not sure of the cultural context of the kiss then, only now.
but it seems laden with irony…a kiss becoming an act of termination,
an expression of anything but love, intimacy, and affection.
a kiss signifying betrayal.

a kiss…
a betrayal…
an act of love…
an act of broken trust…

why? why did this act occur?
i have asked myself time and time again throughout this week as i knew the service was going to be about betrayal.
and having contemplated betrayal.

and my own betrayal.
my betrayal of others.
in failing to stick up for them,
in going along with the crowd,
in causing harm to another because of what i have said or what i have failed to say,
in treating someone with disdain because of the way in which this individual handles a situation,
in venting to others about this individual,
in stabbing another in the back,
in letting someone down by not acting in a manner worthy…

so as i have thought about my own betrayal, it causes me to contemplate that of judas (as i cannot help but be more gracious in my thoughts toward him)…
maybe it was a situation of group think…judas didn’t realize what he was getting into, he simply acted in a manner that others set before him.
maybe it was a situation that seemed like a good move at the time…what was best for judas, what was best for the religious movement, what was best for those in authority, what was best for jesus somehow(?).
maybe it was a situation where he acted in complete selfish desires…only being motivated by money and the drive for success, not letting anything get in the way.
maybe it was a situation where judas felt trapped…trapped by others, trapped by himself, trapped by institutions.

i am not sure of the reason, i just know i have identified with judas anew today.
i have seen my own humanity, my own propensity to betray others, those i call friend, those i call leader, those who once trusted me.
and as i have seen the wounds i have inflicted upon those betrayed, i hang my head–not wanting to make eye contact, or see them because of my shame and guilt.

but they, like jesus, bestow upon me forgiveness, grace, love, acceptance…despite my failure to do so.

comparison trap.

donald miller, in his book searching for god knows what, spends a considerable amount of time talking about how we humans are caught up in comparing ourselves with one another. sure, i know i do, but i guess i never realized it is a global issue. miller argues his point by mentioning various television shows and the premise behind each. in typical miller fashion, he does not outright make this point, but when it is made (in a somewhat disguised fashion), you can’t help but know it…and are nailed.
sporting events
reality shows
game shows

so i started thinking about it…is it true? are we humans driven by comparing ourselves with one another? and if so, why?
miller offers this explanation:

it is though something that helped them function and live well has gone missing, and they are pining for that missing thing in all sorts of odd methods, none of which are working. the greater tragedy is that very few people understand they have the disease. ~page92.

and he continues, that others outside our human existence would not understand this competition implicit within our culture (and in particular these television shows he refers to),

because all the plots have to do with getting and finding the thing that is missing in our souls, only not getting it from god, but from other people. ~page93.

really? are all television shows about competition, i began to think to myself. hmmmm….
i continued reading.
it seem that miller answers my questions even as i asked them,

all of our television shows are trying to figure out who is better than who, or if they aren’t, they are presupposing that one kind of person is better than another and building their comedy or their drama from this presupposition. ~page 93.

…the presupposition that i am better than you or you are better than me. it comes into direct opposition to what we are told as kids, that life is fair and we are all created the same. but we aren’t. some are more intelligent, some are more athletic, some are wealthier, some are more creative, some are taller, some are more muscular, some are more artistic…the list could go on.

how do we lose this sense of fairness and equality?
miller suggests it is a result of the fall–the first sin of mankind–whereby a rift occurs between god and humanity. and because of this rift, or this separation,

he [god] wasn’t around to help us feel that we were loved and important and good, we were looking for it in each other, in a jury of peers. ~page94.

and because of this, we look for this love, importance, and goodness in others.
we look for validation and acceptance from others.
we look to others to ascribe our worth and value.

and to what end? to the end that we run in circles, trying to please, trying to earn, trying to fulfill a need in vain.

miller closes this entry by saying,

i get this feeling…we will wish we had seen everybody as equal, that we had eaten dinner with prostitutes, held them in our arms, opened up spare rooms for them and loved them and learned from them. ~page104.

sounds like a familiar lifestyle–one i have seen before in other writings, such as those of matthew, mark, luke, and john. this jesus that they write about seems to engage in such behavior–that of eating dinner with the marginalized, holding them and accepting them as they are, opening his heart and life for others, and learning from what each of them has to offer. in light of the lifestyle jesus ushered in, i wonder why we, as his followers, are still living our lives comparing ourselves to someone else?

flair.

not sure why i decided to check out ‘flair’ on facebook, but next thing i know i’ve downloaded the application and added some (and sent a few–but just a few–as well). in fact, i stayed up until 1am the other morning checking them out. every time i look at them, i get sucked in…checking out what’s new, hoping to find something to add to my profile or another’s (my personal favorite, the one i sent my little bro “love you like a fat kid loves cake”).
now facebook is worthwhile…

you know the reason i like this ‘flair’ so much?
because each one tells a story–my story,
each reveals a little more about me, as an individual–my likes, my passions, my past,
each one acts as a flare that signals something else–a symbol of something else, something larger,
each one fits on my corkboard on my facebook profile for all to see–in much the same way a junior high girl would decorate her locker.

it is like a visual autobiography–except that i never appeared in indiana jones (the new or the old version),
never carried around a roll of toilet paper and a box of tide on a stick (although i totally see why someone would),
never met brett favre (but i sure would like to),
never run into matthew fox while tanning at manhattan beach (i did, however, run into some hungry sea gulls who ate the granola bars out of my beach bag at that same beach),
never really bossed anyone around (ok, so that is not true…at all).

transplant.

that’s what i am…a transplant.
i am a foreigner who came to visit and has made california my home.
i’ve passed, it’s official, and now it has come in the mail.